Really, can anybody tell me why it feels more real when I'm dreaming? I feel ridiculously detached from reality. My heart is full, my soul is old, my body is young. I feel like everyday has already happened and that everything I live is just a memory. That im an old man lying in a bed somewhere, or in an asylum, and all this has already happened and I can’t change it. Maybe im someone else being made to live this life to learn a lesson? Maybe I’ve been reincarnated thousands of times and all my twisted personality is just the residual effect of living for thousands of years without knowing it? Or perhaps im a god that is trapped within a mortal life that only exists in his mind? This isn’t just teenage crap either, I’ve felt this way my whole life. When I was seven or eight I didn’t think anyone else really existed, I thought I was the only real person and everyone else was just a trick. And then I thought my existence was actually not the real one and I was one of the people that were just made to fool one person. I think Plato’s theory of idea’s is ridiculously relevant to me. “Ideas are the only perfect, true reality. Everything physical is a flawed representation of an idea. The least real are representations of the material world (copy of an imperfect representation) such as paintings and stories.” Every time I dream I enter a world of only ideas, the id, the subconscious. It makes me afraid, I want to live in the real world, I dont want to eternally feel fake and insubstantial.

And another thing, can someone be in love with everyone at once? I know its ridiculous, but lately I’ve been feeling very...I want to say attached, but that’s not the word. I’ve just been feeling like I love everyone. Well, not necessarily everyone, but all my friends. I feel like there are so many people I don’t want to lose, that I haven’t shared anything special with and I want them to be there long enough to share a sunrise with, or a starlit night, or a downpour of rain on concrete while standing in the soft neon glow of business lights at night. There are many friends and many things I want to share with them, and then I want to have those moments forever. I want to constantly re-live yesterday, or those soft summer sunrises over the New England hills as the cows begin to wake, or those frigid winter nights spent sledding or cuddling. I want to keep my passion forever, and to never die. I want to sing words so beautiful an roomful of people are moved to tears, or dance a dance so bold they talk about it for years. I want to share desert sunrises and city nights with the people I love, which at this time seems to be most anyone I call friend. I want this, but it probably will never happen. Yesterday was one of those days I’ll remember for the rest of my life, one of those unforgettable days. When I’m bored in class I find myself wandering through memories I’ve already accumulated and today I wrote about it (for as long as I could keep writing without the teacher noticing what I was doing). Here’s what I wrote:

Keep your head down. At least look like your trying to decipher “Quintus apud salvium manebat per totam hiemem” Latin’s dead, dead as caesar with his 40something stab wounds, dead as 6 of 7 wonders of the ancient world. Head down, drift into the past, sift through some memories, that’s all the Romans are after all, memory. What comes to mind first? What memories are dearest, precious? What will live on forever? Salty, stinging tears cloud my eyes, right in the middle of first period. Memory is a painful thing for me. I used to have an awesome one, then it got bad, now memory means sadness to me. Even the joyful ones are bittersweet with the pang of regret, knowing you’ll never get that moment back ever. Last night will most likely be there forever in my mind, it was one of those things you never wanted to end
A rainy, cool, early autumn night. After the half day of school I had to fill in the hours between 12 and 830 with something. (This is where the writing I got done in class ends, past this point is me finishing it) I spent most of this time with Sara (Abbot). I hung around with her and Dan (Phipps) for a great portion of the time, but at those times that Dan had to take off, it was just me and Sara. I didn’t stick around the auditorium much, and Sara and I just talked and walked. It was really nice, ‘cuz I found that me and her actually have plenty in common. Dan came in and out of the afternoon, and eventually Mel grabbed me and dragged me off and told Dan to take Sara away. Then I gave Mel some emotional support, and Cathy showed up. With her I went and found Sara and Dan, then we went outside, where it was now dark and there was a steady rain.
We went under the overhang in front of the auditorium atrium entrance, where it was dry. We collapsed against the doors there and talked and watched the rain. It wasn’t a driving or a piercing rain, it was the kind of rain that simply falls, like a hundred billion crystal lemmings that threw themselves off the clouds. We were in that pool of light that always gets cast out by the school, and we were staring out at the soft lights of the businesses across the street, the cars rolling by, the traffic lights, and the parking lot lights. We could see the rain cascading down in all the spots of light and we were all pretty tired. Sara rested on Dan’s shoulder, not as a lovey or romantic or an “I like like you” thing, but just a simple, innocent gesture. I sat next to Sara with Dan on the other side, and Cathy kept switching sides, unable to get comfortable. She came and rested on me for awhile while we all talked. I was just so overcome with thought and emotion when I thought about it. I actually said to them “I love this, this is one of those moments that I’ll remember forever, those moments I never want to end.” and I went on to give a similar description of the situation that I already gave in this paragraph. Dan informed me that I was a red light district kinda guy “yes pender,” he says “I can see you, standing in all the neon lights, a hat and overcoat flapping in the rainy night breeze,” I smiled at him over Sara’s head and completely agreed with him. It was one of those perfect moments where you feel there is noone on earth your closer to, noone you’d rather be with, and no other way you’d rather have it. Cathy got up and started to pace around (literally around) the school. She left, but that perfect moment kept on going until the feeling that I was being a jerk to Cathy for just letting her walk around all alone entered the group (Dan and Sara and I all agreed on this), so we got up as she passed again and went inside. The moment was over, the magic (if it existed to anyone but me) was fading. I never get the feeling that anyone but me looks at what’s going on while its going on then places it in a greater context. I never hear anyone else realizing how big the small things are until they’re truly grown up (and hey, I KNOW I’M not grown up) I like to know what I have before it’s gone, helps when your coping with losing it.
I feel a little better after writing this, like I got it off my chest, I’m going to post it everywhere I can, and thank YOU GUYS who are reading this and THANK YOU GUYS who are reading this and are some of my friends that have been with me during perfect moments, I love you all

-Adam